textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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