Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
