Already got asked if we're dating
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
