apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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