i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
