Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
