Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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