Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
