my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize