He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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