my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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