I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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