You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
