At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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