I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
