i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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