a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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