this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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