I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize