The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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