i just wanna soil my oats bro
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
