PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
