So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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