Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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