it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
