I'm going to rape someone's good day.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
