trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
