So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
