i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
