Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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