If i come over, it means nothing
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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