I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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