My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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