I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
