She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize