I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
