take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Let's get the cat blown out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
