Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
