the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
