Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love having hate sex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
