I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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