I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
