he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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