He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
