So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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