I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
