sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
