I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
