i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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