I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
