at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
