I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
