I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
