It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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