You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
