I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize